mildly confusing

i haven't really looked at this in over four years, and on a random whim, i discovered that i had posted something on january 21, 2016.

odd, because as i stated, i have not looked at this in quite some time and my last post was from nearly four and a half years ago.

so, i've removed it and now i'm writing something here for the first time in a very long time.

what is not mildly confusing about the above matter is that i did not post it, i've updated my passwords semi-recently, so i'm just all around confused. whatever. what isn't confusing is after 12 years, i've been transferred to the office of redundancy. placed back into the free agency market. in short, i was laid off. it sucks, genuinely. it was actually expected so the fact that i was being laid off wasn't a surprise, as much as the when, which was the surprise.

i'm not exactly sad to be gone, i'm more sad at the fact that i didn't get much chance to do it in a graceful manner, with people wishing me good luck, and all that other bull. actually, that was the least of my concerns. i went quietly, kept my head up throughout the short process. packed up a box of stuff, and need to go back for the rest. turned over keys, badge and laptop. grabbed my box, my laptop bag and lunch, and walked out of the office that had been part of my life for the last 12 years.

reflecting on it at this moment, it occurs to me that it was around this day 12 years prior that i had my interview there.

anyways, i have lots of thoughts on everything. most of which will never be written down, be it good or bad. i'm just not that prone to writing, and maintaining a blog was clearly not a priority in the last few years. being able to step back, i can see the signs that my end was near, and i'm left to wonder that this could have happened sooner, rather than when it did. hints that could be true were sprinkled in that conversation that brought my career there to a close. but the last month had been pretty much hell with failing backups (the NAS ran out of space, the only way to fix was to reformat) and had that not blown up, might my time there have been cut shorter? i'll likely never know, i'm not going to ask, and i'm fine with that.

do i agree? not with the timing, but i've learned a few things since then that helped clarify things. it is just a business decision. that was said several times. they did not need a network admin in that office. so, i was expendable. external resources were now available, and that is the direction they are going. i have no illusions of my importance in the last few years. once the merger went through, i was a hired gun, with deep knowledge of the existing systems. once a new direction was found, and new resources became available, i was no longer needed.

i get it. i really do. does it hurt? yes. and i'm actually trying to really face it for the first time as i write all this. i've talked things over a bit with M, and we are moving forward, onward to better things. but i don't think i have yet stopped to really think about the current situation. it's a great deal of deflecting at the moment. trying to wrap my brain around the situation. trying to wrap my brain around what i want to do. what do i want to do? it's a question that i'd like to answer. do i want to stay in this field? do i want to try something completely different? if so, what?

all good questions. some that may not get answered.

i enjoy my life. i love my family. i love my boys. i love my wife. i love my friends.

where life takes me next, as long as my family and friends are there, i'll be fine. and life will be good.